Relapse, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is the act or occurrence of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding. It can also mean the reoccurrence of symptoms from a disease after a period of improvement. Both definitions are relevant to mental health, as those with mental illness are too familiar. Every time it seems as though they have mastered their disease, the symptoms come back harder than before or unexpectedly, and it is crippling.
Disclaimer: Please exercise extreme caution below the ‘keep reading’ line, as this poem will directly address the act of self-harm in moderately graphic language. I value your mental health over my view count and would prefer you only read the following content if you are mentally capable of doing so. (I made it big because I’m extremely serious that you exercise the highest caution). Thank you for making the best choice for your mental health.
After years of self-harm, and scars up and down my arm,
I am convinced that I have finally “coped” as I had previously hoped;
but time goes by and I can’t keep track, and life takes hold, and I fall back
down, down, down, I’m back on the ground.
Blood on the blade and my head hung in shame,
I have to ask myself how I’ve fallen back down to hell;
what was the trigger or which one set me off, what shook the wagon to make me fall off,
and what is it that I’ve got to do to make this destructive behavior stop.
I’ve come up again on a time where I forgot how long it’s been,
how long since the last time hurting myself was a pastime as I struggled to get by;
I am proud of myself for learning and for ending the yearning,
but I’m knocked flat on my ass when another relapse comes to pass.
I don’t know how to stop what I’ve started and I fear I will be long departed
before I can even figure it out and pin my triggers down;
This is a battle I don’t want to fight and an embarrassment that keeps me up at night;
I wish I could stop the backslide, but I guess I’ll have to try it again after I clean this knife.
Author’s Note: I would like to state that while my mental health is as ‘in the shitter’ as one’s mental health can be, I am glad to say that I have a strong support system in place and plans. While self-harming used to be something that I used as a coping mechanism many years ago, I haven’t fallen back into the pattern. I drew upon my past experiences with this battle. If you are struggling with this specific issue, I urge you to talk to someone you love and trust to help you make a plan if you start to feel self-destructive and suicidal. Having a plan – and I cannot stress this enough – could save your life. And I very much value your life, so do me a personal favor and protect it.
“Your life is not your own, so keep your hands off of it.”
You are loved.
You matter.
You deserve to be alive.
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