PARANOIA
Paranoia, the d – e – s -t – r – o – y – e – r -Ray Davies
I start by removing the blankets from my lap, I feel the chill of the air
It could be a cold spot or it could be a fan, but it’s definitely the fan, right?
I take ten deep breaths, lean forward so I can scoot to the edge of my seat, and then breathe again, just to be sure I’m as aware as possible
The brain needs oxygen to function optimally, and I can’t see the shadows moving if I can’t think straight, not that the shadows will actually move.
I walk carefully from the couch to the hallway and then to my room – silent – for caution
If I don’t disturb the air then nobody knows I’m here, not even the people I can’t see, even though I know that no such people exist, I can’t risk them seeing my movements.
When I crawl into bed, I turn on the television loud enough that I can’t hear the strange house sounds, but quiet enough that if anything serious happened then I’d be aware.
I won’t have to hear their breathing at the foot of my bed if I’m focused on the noise coming from the screen – usually, anyway.
After I fall asleep, then it’s easy sailing because I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing anymore because I won’t know what’s happening.
But they sometimes follow me into my dreams, tainting them, and churning my thoughts around until their nightmares seizing every neuron in my brain.
I wake up, gasping for air, wondering if I’ve forgotten something, and I drink some water to ground myself
They didn’t want me to wake up but I did and that means they’re going to be angry when I fall back asleep again.
I get out of bed as loudly as I can, making a racket wherever I go, to make sure that anyone sneaking around knows that I’m awake and I’m aware of what’s going on.
If I’m awake and they know it, they might go away, at least that’s what I hope.
Since I wake myself up by moving around, I have to change the channel to something interesting and play a game on my phone to distract myself back into calm.
The longer it takes to fall asleep and the calmer my mind is, the harder it is for them to come back and haunt my mind.
I nod, and nod, and nod, until eventually I’m gone again – snoozing soundly
Even my dreams I lie in way, worried they are watching my conscious for an opening to instill their fear in me once again.
Morning comes, and I find that I am struggling to bring myself to get out of bed from being so tired, probably from waking up in the middle of the night, but eventually I move and go about my day
And they just lie in wait.
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