Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an incredibly difficult mental illness to diagnose according to every source that I’ve reviewed, due to the wide spectrum of symptoms and the overlapping nature of these symptoms with other disorders and diseases. Most sources refer to nine major symptoms that can be seen with BPD, for which most patients will only experience a portion of them. Those symptoms are as follows, according to Mayo Clinic’s article explaining BPD in detail. > Intense fear of abandonment which results in extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation whether it actualized or not> Patterned relationships issues in which the patient will experience intense idealization in one moment and then believing that the other individual is cruel> Rapid shifts in self-identity and self-image which present as changing goals and personal values or the patient believing that he/she/ze does not exist> Impulsive and risky decisions that are often self-sabotaging such as ending positive relationships, quitting a job, or making physically and financially irresponsible choices> Patterns of suicidal and self-harming, either actualized or threatened, in response to the possibility of separation or rejection> Perpetual feelings of emptiness> An uncontrolled anger that is intense and inappropriate that will present as a lost temper, frequent sarcasm, expressed bitterness, and physical altercations
Disclaimer: There will be references to suicidal thoughts in this poem. Please exercise caution when reading and do what is best for your mental health. I would rather lose a view than lose a life - you are important and deserve to be here.
Day One:
I’ve decided that I don’t like this job, so I walk up to my boss:
“I quit,” and I walk out the door without a second thought and
I head straight to the gay bar around the corner, I used to frequent it
Before my girlfriend and I moved in together, and
I miss it
The loud music is so loud that my brain is shaking with the bass
I throw my money into the glasses of shots that dozens of beautiful women down
We grind to the sounds of mumbling rappers bragging about their sexual feats
It feels so great and I can’t imagine I’ve gone nearly a year without this scene
By the time the crowd starts to thin, I’m reminded what it was about these nights I hated
The lonely emptiness that is so large
No margarita could ever fill the hole
I slump my way back home and throw myself into the tub and
I’m pretty sure
I fall asleep there.
Day Two:
My girlfriend is off and she turns the cold water on to wake me up,
“You reak,” she says to me with a cross tone and limp arms at her side, “Get up,”
She leaves the room with the showerhead blasting me with the icy pellets
of my mistakes
I strip down to my underwear and dry off, then I storm to the kitchen where
She already has my black coffee and toast waiting at the table
“I quit my job,” I announce, “because I’m tired of my life being a lie”
“Congratulations,” she remarks quickly, gesturing to the seat across from her
and I hate that
“Exactly right,” I groan as my body drips into my usual chair
She just stares at me with a look I know too well
And then the question comes: “How much did you spend last night?
All of it – I spent all of it – my whole paycheck
She nods her head, shakes it, then rubs her face up and down multiple times
and I hate that
“I’m working a double tonight, so we’ll have to deal with this later”
She goes on to complain that we’ll have to pick which bills get paid first
and I hate that
“Just get to work, will you?”
Day Three:
I am a difficult person to love and to live with so I think I can fix this
By giving my girlfriend unprecedented control over my bankroll
Which I will still have because I called my boss and got my job back
Apparently, they hadn’t even filed the papers and instead just gave me a vacation
I got back Monday and these three days are paid,
Though there’s nothing to do about the money I spent yesterday
My girlfriend comes home after her double shift at the hospital looking sad as ever
I try to bring a smile with my news but she just waves her hand at me
“I’ll sign the papers later,” and stumbles into bed
So I am just sitting on the couch with a frown
Unsure what it is that I’m supposed to do now.
Day Four:
I’m sitting with a knife in my hand and pill bottle on the table
I am considering with way is the best way to go
My girlfriend never signed the papers and next said goodbye
Before going to the grocery store
I thought I had done right by her and proved that I was fine
I guess I was wrong and now she’s gone
Who knows if she’s even coming back now
I tap the lip of the bottle with my knife
Do I even have what it takes to end my life
I consider that I’m breaking and that I may need some health
A person to guide through this mental health
So I pick up the phone
And dial the number that I instinctively know
Day Five:
I walk in and take a seat like I usually do
Any time I fall of the wagon
I don’t even remember stopping my medication but I did
My girlfriend already called and reported it
And now my psychiatrist is sitting across from me
Now I have to admit, again:
“I had another breakdown this week.”
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