I don’t think I have ever realized how bad I am at interacting with people. Tonight, I was trying my hardest to be encouraging and helpful, but all I did was upset Caroline. What am I missing? What did I do wrong? I hope that she can forgive me.
-_~* Week 9 *~_-
“You wore a trash bag for Halloween and I’m just struggling with the fact that everyone seemed to love it,” Caroline groans as the last few kids grabbed a handful of candy out of their bowl. They just refilled it moments ago, expecting a second surge of children on their way to the actual trick-or-treating in the neighborhoods. Nobody came, though, and after five minutes of nothing, Santiago declares the scene ‘dead’ and helps her get everything inside.
As Caroline punches out on the laptop in the break room of The Chipped Coffee Cup, Santiago checks his phone. They have some time to grab a pizza before the big party in the Halpin dorms, the one that caused Nathaniel and Cassidy to fight at the last Grief Group meeting. The original plan was to blow off any Halloween parties and stay in Santiago’s dorm watching Indie horror flicks, but they ended up deciding to hit up the party for just a little bit at least.
When she’s officially done she throws her arms in the air, “Let’s get out of here!”
Caroline’s car is parked around the corner, and the walk there is filled with comments about the various costumes they saw, particularly parents who dressed up with their kids for the holiday. “If I have kids, I hope that I am still childish enough to dress up on Halloween,” she remarks as she steps into the road to get into the driver’s seat.
Bending down to get into the car, he feels his man bun get knocked sideways by the top of the doorframe. Once settled, though, he reveals his thoughts on the matter. “I think you’ll dress up for Halloween, kids or not kids. That’s just the kind of person you are.”
Laughing in agreement, Caroline has to admit that she’s a bit of free spirit and a rebel without a cause. He’s not sure he would choose those words, but he can’t argue that they’re wrong. She is full of life and silly; she is passionate and aimless; she is confident and empty. All of those things could easily culminate to those labels: a rebel without a cause – a free spirit. To Santiago, though, she’s just Caroline Wilson.
The drive to Halpin dorms goes the way most of their drives do, awkward silences littered with bursts of random thoughts. Santiago will think of something a professor said during a lecture, or Caroline will complain about a customer who was upset that she spelt their name wrong. “Do you know how many ways there are to spell that name?” Then she proceeds to run through them: Katelyn, Kaitlyn, Kaytlen, Kaitlin, Katelen…
As they’re parking, Santiago offers to take her to grab some food first. They’re both starving but refuse to admit it aloud. What they usually do is adamantly ignore the loud gurgling in their stomachs until someone can’t deny their hunger any longer. “Wanna hit the cafeteria before we go inside?”
Considering everything for a moment, he expects that Caroline is trying to remember if there are concessions for the dorm party. There likely are some provided by different clubs, and that will be fine for him if she wants to just grab stuff while they’re on the run, but if they’re both hungry enough they can go to the cafeteria too.
“No,” she decides flatly, “we’ll just grab stuff when we’re inside. Aren’t we still heading back to your dorm to watch a couple of movies anyway?”
That was never something they explicitly agreed to do, but he has no qualms doing it anyway. Honestly, it sounds like a nice blend of activities. “Cool, yeah, I think I have some leftover pizza anyway. Let’s go then.”
People are everywhere before they even make it inside the building. Tons of people are dressed up in costumes, but plenty of others are dressed festively in plenty of black and orange. It is cohesive and joyous in a way that Santiago never expects to enjoy. Back in high school, he rejected all of the usual social norms – football, school dances, pep rallies, etc – because he could always use that time to do something else. Even when he did attend these events with his small group of friends, he found the entire experience to be mediocre at best.
Walking into the sea of students stuffing their faces with candy and running around trying to scare each other feels different with Caroline at his side. Suddenly there’s something appealing about being another face in the crowd. He isn’t being bothered by the social event but rather is thrilled to see what it has to offer. For the first time in such a long, long time, Santiago is confident about interacting with other people.
“Where do you want to start?” he asks gently, picking up his pace so that he can get the door just ahead of her and open it up. This isn’t officially a date, and they’re not officially giving a name to their relationship, but he still feels obligated to treat it as a potential date. Caroline does a strange sort of wiggle in her bulky Yankee Candle foam dress. Perhaps the most adorable thing about her strange costume choice is the headband planted on her head with a fake flame in the center, flickering on and off to create the appearance of a real one.
“Games?” he suggests in his usual tone, trying to hide his excitement. He didn’t want to seem overeager and awkward, which is something he’s often done in class or when he’s just finished reading a really good book. Thankfully, he does a good job because Caroline agrees quickly and yanks him in through the door behind her.
Games are all on the second floor because the first floor and community rooms are designated snack stations. There are tons of options – corn hole, ring toss, giant tic‑tac‑toe, and twister – in which winners get tickets for the raffles being run by the different clubs (winner’s choice) or their name in the drawing for the gift card. Everyone else gets a piece of candy. It’s an amazing setup and it is immediately clear to Santiago that it is being run well, too.
Much to his surprise, Caroline beats him at each game legitimately. Well, the first game of cornhole was going to be hers to lose because he wasn’t sure how well she would do, but it was obvious that she could handle herself after only a few tosses. When they moved to Twister, her poise proved more effective than his lankiness. Even when they are playing tic‑tac‑toe, she beats him every single round, save for one time when she tried to answer a text at the same time. It is incredible.
That is, until it isn’t incredible. Nathaniel watches them play charades against each other – each paired with someone from the theater club doing all of the acting – and Caroline just nails every single guess. Getting a perfect score in only half of the time provided, she takes yet another win on the night. Visibly surprised, Nathaniel swoops in and makes it even more obvious.
“Caroline is the talk of the hall tonight,” he coos joyfully as he slides up to give her a high-five with a twinkle in his eye. He keeps staring at her while he talks, which makes Santiago uneasy, but he ultimately ignores it. “She’s stomping your ass at literally everything, right?”
“That would be correct,” Santiago huffs.
Caroline puts her hands up and waves them back and forth in forfeit. “I know a lot of the games because I know the people that brought them out tonight. We’ve played them over the weekend and stuff. Santiago is doing really well considering he’s at a disadvantage.”
It gives him some peace of mind, hearing that she’s played all of these games before, but it doesn’t renounce the fact that she’s been winning at everything and racking up tickets for the gift card. Firstly, that bothers Santiago because she is more or less cheating to win the prize, and secondly, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s losing to her at every turn. The losing wasn’t bothering him as much before as it does now that he knows.
Of course, he knows he shouldn’t be upset at all. Surely others have also played these games before. Surely someone has seen them somewhere else. It’s his own sheltered life that has made him bad at playing them, and the only person to blame is him. Caroline is better at them because she’s practiced. Even though it feels like she’s cheating for the gift card – she’s not the only one. Santiago shakes his head and nudges Nathaniel.
“Have you talked to Cassidy at all? I don’t see her here so I assume you haven’t made up.” The inquiry is a bit petty, though his curiosity is sincere. Nathaniel and Cassidy’s disagreement seemed like it was more than what was discussed. None of it is his business, and he considers that he shouldn’t be asking, but it’s too late to take the words back.
Thankfully, Nathaniel doesn’t seem hesitant to share the result. He had dinner with Cassidy last night and they decided that things were just not right for them to carry on in a relationship. “When we first starting dating, shortly after Grief Group began for us, she was perfectly clear that she wasn’t looking for anything serious or permanent. I thought maybe she was trying to test me, so I kept pressing for commitment. She’d promise it and then revoke it and then promise it again. I was always being pulled back and forth with her.”
Caroline sighs. “That sounds pretty awful.”
Santiago agrees but not out loud.
“Anyway, over the summer we found a happy middle ground, I think, where we were dating but treating it like a fling and it worked great. I was happy, she was happy, at least that’s what I thought. I guess she started getting attached and when we came back she wanted something more serious and started pushing for us to be more serious and do more things just the two of us,” and he goes on to explain the various ways she went about her efforts. The latest act was pressuring him into a couple’s costume he didn’t even agree to wear.
After that, he goes into an explanation of Cassidy’s dream for her future. She wants to do volunteer work in other countries and travel the world. While he’s never asked her, there has never been mention of settling down and having a family in the future she sees for herself. It has always left him wondering if that meant his ideal life would never match hers. Besides that, Nathaniel doesn’t share her longing to see the world.
There’s not much to be said back to him, and yet Caroline somehow manages to find the right words to put an end to the negative conversation that’s building in Nathaniel’s explanation. “If you don’t want to travel with her, what you were hoping to do with your future?”
As it turns out, Nathaniel just wants to work for a non-profit organization helping people and have a family. It is refreshing and humbling, hearing someone talk about a future that they know they want to pursue. Most people don’t have a solid plan in their twenties, only ideals and dreams because they’re still so young and inexperienced. But when Nathaniel’s talking about being a dad and being active in the community? It’s as real as anything can be.
“Well,” Caroline breathes, shifting her eyes back and forth to indicate that she’s ready to go, “I am glad that you were able to sort it out. Do you think you’ll remain partners?”
Santiago coughs. Didn’t she want to leave? Why would she ask this if she wanted to get out of there and do something else?
“Probably, but we’re leaving Grief Group in December. We’ve both been getting the counseling services for a year, just about. We might not even continue with the dinners being that close to the end.”
His declaration startles Caroline a bit more than it does Santiago, but she doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, she tells him that she knows he’ll do whatever is best for him, and then tells him that she’s hungry. As they’re walking away, she slides her hand into his and leans into his trash-bag-clad body.
There’s a sound, maybe a deep breath even, like she’s going to say something. Many times have come and gone where Santiago thought Caroline was about to say something but it passes without anything further.
And just like those times, nothing happens. Caroline doesn’t say anything at all and it’s just a moment of nothing. Seeing it as an opportunity, however, Santiago broaches a topic that they rarely ever address: the future.
“What do you think your future is going to look like?” he hums as they hit a clearing in the hallway near the stairs.
He can feel her wiggling against him until she pulls away. “I don’t know. I just take everything one day a time right now, especially with my grandma being dead.”
If there were a balloon in his stomach, it would be deflating. Caroline’s lack of a major and lack of a life plan don’t bother him, but he wants her to want something more for herself. Probably – definitely – wanting this for her is selfish, and definitely not within his rights to have an opinion…
…but he opens his mouth about it anyway. “Have you thought any more about choosing a major? Narrowed down the choices at all?”
She stops. He keeps moving – but she stops.
“Why?” she demands. “Why does that matter?”
Santiago has overstepped and his choices are limited, but only if he wants to try to dig himself out of a hole. The best thing to be right now is honest. “I worry about you not having a major. Since we were just talking about the future with Nate, I thought I could bring it up now.”
“Fuck you,” Caroline hisses at him, a tremble in the back of her throat trying to hide from him. The line is far behind him now. Every time he opens his mouth is sure to create a crater between them, rip open a ravine that he will have to somehow fill. Santiago will have to reap what he’s sowing. “You have no right to my future until I say you do. Is that understood?”
Santiago wants to nod, but he keeps talking, and he doesn’t know why he does it but it just comes out. “Wouldn’t your grandmother want you to pick a major? Wouldn’t she be encouraging you to explore the options and figure something out?” He really wants to know, too, because he wasn’t around to know her. Maybe hearing the answer will put his mind at ease and stop him from opening his damn mouth about something he shouldn’t be bringing up.
“That crazy woman is dead,” Caroline says, pushing past him. She’s halfway down the stairs when she turns around and brings herself nose-to-nose with him. “She is dead and she probably did it on purpose, so I don’t care what she would want me to do right now. If she wanted to have a say in my future then she’d be here to say it.”
Nodding in acceptance of the scenario that he’s crafted with his loud mouth, he considers that while he was aiming to be helpful – he also knew it wasn’t his place. Still, he tried anyway. Santiago selfishly pushed her to see something ahead of her, see a plan for her college career, but he just caused a confrontation that wasn’t necessary. Letting his chin fall slightly as she pulls away, he apologizes weakly under his breath.
Caroline hears it and groans in reply. “I need to watch some shitty Indie horror flicks. Let’s go.”
Confused, excited, and surprised, he follows behind her with his bun bouncing and his hands stuffed into his pockets. “Sure, yeah,” he says in a half-squeak, half-cough. Once he clears his throat, he tries again, “Let’s go. There’s this one movie that some kids in my class were making fun of that I think would be great.”
“Good, I need a laugh,” she spits, keeping her distance but never going further than an arm’s length away. Maybe they’re fighting, maybe they’re not, but she’s making something clear to him – even if she’s mad, she’s not leaving him behind.
It makes Santiago feel a little bit better, but only a little. Feeling guilty about the whole thing, he makes her another offer that he hopes will ease the tension. “How do you feel about fresh pizza?”
Nobody can stay angry while eating fresh pizza, right? His fingers are crossed.
Isn’t it amazing that the next chapter is already here? You can read it now!
Acknowledgements:
Huge thanks to Ouranose for editing and listening to me have multiple fits about it throughout the week. It’s been a long one, a tough one, and a gross one – but she is such an amazing friend, support system, and editor. She is always willing to help me make this the best story I can under the crazy time frames that I try to keep. PLEASE read her blog and give her some love for all the work she does here AND there ❤
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