How do people ever feel comfortable enough with their boyfriends or girlfriends to let them into their personal space? It’s really confusing for me because I want to kiss Caroline and hold her close, but I also don’t know what to do with any sort of physical intimacy. How do people do this without pissing their pants?
-_~* Week 17 *~_-
The atmosphere feels different from being in the new apartment – fresh and clean, almost. Dana and Caroline have finally finished moving in, and the last three days having been dedicated to sneaking Caroline out without Casper noticing. She didn’t have much to her name in the apartment they shared, but working around Casper’s schedule became a bit of a nightmare.
It was funny, though, because Caroline was able to get everything out without being caught moving. She wanted to surprise him with half of her usual check left in the place where the Christmas tree used to be – since she packed it up and moved it to her new place with Dana. They had done that last night and were reaping the benefits of Casper’s social media meltdown about the whole situation. Most of his friends are commenting that he was never exactly a good roommate or boyfriend, which only makes him angrier.
Caroline is enjoying her favorite bottled soda while reading through his most recent rant. “This one is an absolute gem! ‘I gave you every convenience and luxury a person could ask for but you repaid me by shorting me on the money you owed me and then stealing my holiday spirit. Bitches ain’t worth shit.’ Dear god, he’s acting like I just broke up with him and we haven’t dated in forever!”
“He probably just thought you’d always get back together,” Santiago notes aloud, never having admitted that he considered the possibility dozens of times. While he knows that Caroline thinks he is the scum on the bottom of her shoes, Casper treated her like a wife or a slave whenever he was home. More than once Santiago would make up a reason to get out of the apartment just to avoid the uncomfortable outbursts that would result from their constant disdain for one another.
He ignored that nagging feeling, though, because Casper treats everyone like garbage. Kayla dumped him for many reasons, including that she was more attracted to Caroline than Casper himself, but one of those reasons was the simple fact that he had no respect for her. He was always telling Katie to do this or do that without any concern for how it affected her. It was disgusting to watch.
Humming, Caroline starts across the room to pull a blanket out of a box that she hadn’t fully unpacked yet. “Well, then I hope it hurts him to be wrong. I was there because I had nowhere else to go, and it was just salt in the wound.”
The silence that follows her comment marks the end of their conversation about Casper’s mental breakdown after being abandoned by the only two women who could tolerate him to any degree. Santiago has to wait for the popcorn to finish popping before joining Caroline on the couch to watch some classic Christmas films that she always binged with her grandmother. “We always started with the sappiest one so we wouldn’t be sad when we finally got to Christmas day,” she reminds him from across the room.
Drumming his fingers on the counter, he thinks about all of the things he did with his parents for Christmas. When he was old enough to see out the window, they started driving around and looking at houses decorated for the holiday and ranked the best neighborhoods amongst themselves. Another thing that they always did was a gingerbread-decorating contest, in which they often tried to sabotage one another by stealing and replacing ingredients. Once, when both of his parents needed to leave the room, he managed to mix some hot sauce into their red frosting. It was a shock for them later when they went to lick the excess off of their spoons.
The way Santiago’s family had always celebrated was low-key, but it wasn’t very different than how Caroline and her grandmother got into the Christmas spirit. Holidays are about family, friends, and the good times spent together. In a perfect world, Santiago would be with his parents at home, and Caroline would be with her grandmother in their apartment.
Of course, a perfect world doesn’t exist. Here they both are – orphaned, grieving, and facing their first Christmas effectively alone. If there is any best-case scenario, Santiago knows that this is it. The spunky blonde with a strange combination of charisma and lack of motivation has become the most important person in his life, and he is sure that he is the same for her. At a time where nothing can be perfect and everything hurts, even when they’re smiling, at least they can say they’ve found each other.
The microwave dings, and he, thankfully, hears the sounds of a few final kernels popping inside. Caroline was right about the timing, something she boasted when they were shopping for popcorn at the store. She claimed to harbor knowledge of the best popping times for every brand and flavor of popcorn on the shelf. Though kettle is her favorite and takes precisely two minutes and thirteen seconds to get a nearly perfect pop.
“Have you ever watched Mike Birbiglia?” Caroline asks though Santiago can see that she already has one of his acts pulled up on her computer and is plugging into the television with an HDMI cable. Excitement pours from her as she begins talking about what a ‘dad’ this comedian is and how relatable his comedy can be even to young adults. It’s always a delight to see her gushing about something; it leaves his heart fluttering.
With popcorn and saltshaker in hand, he makes his way to the couch where Caroline is waiting with hands on her hips next to the computer. She always puts it to the side so it’s like “really watching a smart TV and not hooking a laptop to one.” Somehow it feels more authentic to her and so she won’t hit play until they’re both ready and settled down.
After ten minutes of watching Mike Birbiglia, Santiago decides that he’s probably quite funny but not enough to capture his attention. Frequently, he interrupts the show to tell Caroline about his tests, his classes next semester, and the things he looks forward to at Christmas time. As he opens the conversation, Caroline starts talking openly too, and before long the comedy act is over and they’re just talking and laughing…
…and kissing…?
It’s bizarre how innocent chitchats can unlock such deep emotions, such deep longing. He never used to think about the feeling of someone’s skin against his, or the way someone else’s lips might taste, until Caroline held his hand and kissed him. Even now, he doesn’t usually yearn for that level of intimacy because he doesn’t fully understand it. Most days he doesn’t even have to struggle with it, but on the days where he wants to reach out and hold Caroline close – he simply reminds himself that there more to her than the physical affection she can share.
Moments like this are harder, though, literally and metaphorically, because he does find himself so connected with Caroline emotionally that he does want something more. Only – thinking about it causes him mild panic. There’s a sense in his mind that he’s not ready, that he’s not capable, that he doesn’t deserve that from her yet. They’ve only been officially dating for about a month, and they met through a grief counseling group on top of that… it doesn’t make sense to be in that serious of a relationship so quickly.
At least, it doesn’t make sense to him.
What Caroline’s hand moves from his back down his side and she’s squeezing her thigh. These things come to her more naturally. Her breaths get heavier and she starts scooting closer to him, which makes him uneasy. Santiago shifts away without making it obvious but still keeping her at a bit of a distance. It keeps the moment from escalating.
Except that Caroline just makes a bigger movement, pulling away from their seemingly endless kiss and placing brief smooches along his jawline. He tries to wiggle away but ends up giggling instead.
“Is that a good giggle?” she whispers in a sultry tone that Santiago has never heard. It sounds exactly like her, yet it is as foreign as a voice can be to him. Shrugging his shoulders, he has to answer honestly.
“Not sure,” the words sputter from his mouth nervously.
Caroline pulls back and looks at him while biting her lip. Things like this are difficult to gauge. Is she trying to be seductive or is she thinking? From what he’s come to know of Caroline, she does often bite at her lip when she’s mulling something over and analyzing information. Perhaps she can tell that he’s hesitant? However, he’s not living under a rock. This is definitely something women do when they’re trying to look sexy.
Suddenly she jolts forward and pecks him on the nose. “I really want to make cookies. I know it’s totally random, but my grandma always kept cookies in the house. She loved snickerdoodles! You want to make a batch of cookies?”
What fills his veins when she makes this suggestion is somewhere between relief and disappointment. Relationships shouldn’t be like this, he thinks, and he immediately regrets feeling anything close to relief for any period of time. Caroline deserves better than that beyond a shadow of a doubt. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Caroline is tieing her blonde and red hair back into a floppy bun to get it out of her face. It’s grown significantly over the past few months, which she acclaims to soaking it in coconut oil and Shea butter. The way her hair just floats around and bounces is adorable, and a smile curls over his lips.
“For not being good at that bit of dating,” he manages through his gritting teeth.
Caroline laughs, but not in a mean way. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have just assumed that you would be comfortable with any of that, so I’m sorry for making you feel bad about it.”
That doesn’t compute in Santiago’s head. “Aren’t guys supposed to be really into that part, though? Am I broken?”
“First off, no – you’re not broken,” she declares confidently. The look on her face assures him that she really believes it too. Caroline’s eyes shimmer with hurt and her brows are wrinkling to hide her internalized disappointment. “Secondly, women are just as into the sexier bits of relationships as men are, so don’t let that fallacy misguide you. What really matters is that we are both invested in taking the relationship in that direction. All of this is new to you, and I shouldn’t just make assumptions about what I think you want from me.”
Once again Caroline’s wisdom shows itself to him. Though he is never surprised by her knowledge and temperance, he is astounded by how sincere she always is when she speaks to it. She is not always the most enlightened person in a room, but she’s willing to learn and grow. What she does know, she always shares without bias. Santiago expects that someday, no matter what she decides to do with her life, she will make a difference in the lives of many.
“I don’t know what comes before the part where we say ‘I love you,’ but whatever comes before that, that’s where I am,” Santiago announces candidly, joining her in the kitchen.
She stops pulling out ingredients and dishes just to throw her arms around Santiago’s neck. “You’re such a gift, Santiago.”
Maybe he doesn’t always feel that way, but Caroline sure does make him believe it when he’s with her.
🙂 🙂 The next chapter is all ready for you to read 🙂 🙂
Don’t forget me on all of the social media:
Facebook – for project updates, changes, etc…
Twitter – writing prompts, blog post updates, general goofy tweets
Patreon – for those of you willing to put a financial investment in what I do (plus access to bonus content that gets posted as I can create it)
I’m also going to do a poetry project to help raise awareness of mental health and mental illnesses during the month of May 2019. You can read more about that project by clicking >>here<< because I would love for you to help spread the word and to participate!
Comments