Being a person is hard. Should you tell others how you feel even if it will hurt them? Should you lie about things to avoid dampening someone’s joy? Should you trust someone blindly to follow their heart for the sake of being supportive? There’s so much I don’t understand about people in relationships. Someday it is going to put me in a very bad situation. At least, that’s my worry…
-_~* Week 12 *~_-
Crisp air pushes through the leaves of the trees with great ease. Every bristled branch and bush smells of musty earth, and it swirls around Santiago with an aggression that he cannot quite describe in any sufficient way. There’s something about this fall that is so distinctly American, and so distinctly Illinoisan, that he’s not sure he could ever make someone understand what it feels like to walk the city streets he’s walking on his way to his date.
Date…
Caroline has been choosing the way she describes their meetings and dinners very carefully. Sometimes they meet up to hang out, and other times are fancier and more formal. That is when she calls it a “date.” Tonight, for example, they’re going to a fairly expensive steakhouse, Caroline’s treat, courtesy of her Halloween gift card tree. She’d made reservations at this restaurant within days of winning it – a Thanksgiving gesture for him – for them.
Parking far away is a mental health tactic of Santiago’s. Anytime he goes on a date with Caroline his stomach is in knots. He fiddles with the loose strands of hair that hang down in front of his ears, or tugs on his shirt in an attempt to somehow make his skin stop tightening around his body. Having the opportunity to breathe in the fresh, cool air gives him time to freak out and calm down before ever sitting down across from his girlfriend.
When he emerges through the tinted glass door of Glasshouse, scents from the spices, the grills, and the desserts rush into his nose. Everything smells amazing. Santiago feels the smile curl his lips with great ease, and he feels pretty great about being so easily happy. For a moment, he even considers how pleased his mother would’ve been that he’s found someone he really cares about. In his heart, he knows she would’ve loved Caroline.
The hostess asks the name of his reservation for the night. “I’m with Miss Wilson,” he states proudly. From the asymmetrically hung lights to the solid wood floors, the maroon table runners, the attention to detail when designing Glasshouse are immediately clear. Someone cared very much about making sure this steakhouse would be as beautiful as it is successful.
“I have three Miss Wilsons tonight, may I have a first name,” the hostess requests clarification flatly. She isn’t exactly cold, but she is not quite the warm welcoming party one would expect from someone in her role either. Santiago nearly says something to her about it, but, instead, considers that he’s not always been at his best when working with others and lets it go.
Santiago nods, “Miss Caroline Wilson.”
The name jogs her memory because she closes the book promptly and gestures behind her. “Miss Caroline Wilson reserved our private room. We’ll be going right this way, sir.”
In most restaurants, the ones that are pretty cheap but the food isn’t generally worth the bill, getting anywhere requires masterful weaving and speed. There are people to dodge and children to avoid. None of that is true about Glasshouse. Santiago is able to stroll right through the aisles with great ease, all the way to the private room at the furthest corner from the entrance. “Right in here, sir,” the hostess says as she swings open the door.
“Thank you,” he mutters cordially as he speeds up his pace so that he can join Caroline at the table. As he takes a seat, he realizes that he doesn’t have the chance to take in her appearance for the beauty that it holds. In spite of that, he is still just as enraptured by her smile. Her bright eyes, curled pink lips, and waves that are framing her face.
Then she speaks in a soft voice, “I was beginning to wonder whether or not you were ever going to show up. To fill the silence I’ve been debating what color to put in my hair for Christmas.”
Santiago pulls his hands to the table and pulls his sleeve away from his watch. He was only a couple of minutes late. Even if that wouldn’t have bothered anyone else, Caroline knows that Santiago is only ever late if he wants to be late. “I was nervous,” his explanation comes quickly. Being with Caroline is the greatest and scariest thing he can think of himself ever doing. Even the thoughts of fifteen-hour surgeries don’t frighten him as much as being in a relationship. What if he does it all wrong?
“Of what?” she inquires as she leans back in her chair and stretches her arms over her head. The dress she’s wearing appears to have glittering sequins across the chest and sleeves. It already looks like one of Caroline’s fancier dresses, and he hasn’t even seen the rest of it.
Santiago has a dozen answers to her question racing through his mind the second she finishes her question. There are plenty of things that are rattling his nerves. Was he going to be overdressed? Was he going to be underdressed? Was he going to say something to make her hate him? Was he going to misunderstand something she said? Was there going to be an awkward moment where someone burped or farted? What if the food tasted awful and Caroline was distraught about the cost of it? Would they have a good time?
Smiling, he responds as honestly as possible. “I want us to have a good time tonight.”
A brow perched higher up on her forehead in questioning. Does she believe him? He hopes that she does since it is the truth. After several moments where Santiago is left wondering if he somehow managed to lie to even himself, Caroline snorts into a laugh and waves her hands. “It’s all good. Besides, I have big news!”
Now it’s his turn to raise his eyebrows out of curiosity. What ‘big news’ could Caroline have right now? The only thing that he could even begin to guess at is that she has finally chosen a major to pursue at school. A grin starts pulling at the corners of his mouth, hopeful.
“What news?” he endeavors to ask in a level tone. He doesn’t want to get too excited just in case that’s not the news she is about to deliver. She’s been sensitive on the matter in the past. As much as possible, and more than anything, he wants to be respectful to her regardless of what she’s about to tell him.
Wiggling in her seat and drumming her fingers on the table, she seems to be debating about whether or not she would like to share her big news right away. On one hand, if it is good news then he doesn’t care one way or the other. Based on her smiling – it has to good news. Santiago would be confused if it was bad news and she was this happy about it. Cluttered thoughts and all considered, he doesn’t want to wait for bad news. The dinner will soften the blow of something terrible that might be happening.
Caroline’s contemplation lasts a very long time. The server returns with the appetizers she ordered for them before she decides for sure what she’s going to do – which is share her ‘big news’ right away.
“I talked to the landlord where I lived with my grandma, and if I get a second job, I can afford to move back into our old apartment!”
“What?” Santiago choked.
“Yeah,” her words bubble out of her throat with a certain cheer that doesn’t match the way he feels about what she’s saying. “I’ve been thinking about where I want my life to go and I really love my job at The Chipped Coffee Cup, and if a managerial position opens up, then I can make that my career. In the meantime, I could take up a second job so that I have enough to pay rent and still eat.”
Santiago forces a grin onto his lips. “If that makes you happy, but I don’t want you to overexert yourself. Don’t forget that you still have schoolwork to juggle as well as classes to attend.”
It isn’t that he doubts that she can do it or that he doesn’t want her to do it. That’s a lot of responsibility to shoulder. Santiago’s main concern is that she will pigeonhole herself and end up on a one-way path based on a right-now feeling, as Doctor Kuvaar would put it.
“Well, I would just finish the semester and be done. I don’t even know if I’m going to use my college education. It would be better to leave before I incur a lot of debt on a degree that I don’t need.” Caroline’s reasoning is sound and would be perfectly right for anyone else saying it, as far as Santiago is concerned, but he still can’t digest it. As he looks across the table at her, he cannot help but believe that she belongs at college. On numerous occasions, she’s proven herself beyond intelligent and beyond capable. There’s something out there for her – and it’s not serving coffee.
But he bites his tongue, holding back opinions that she isn’t asking for, and nods his head. “If that’s what you want for yourself, then I can support you.”
It’s a bold-faced lie, but definitely, a lie worth telling, he thinks. Even if he can’t support her, and even if he can’t understand why she’s making such a taxing choice for herself… Even if it could put a wedge between them…
He’ll tell the lie until he can’t tell it anymore. Santiago wants to be there for her as long as he can, and, should her plans fall through, he hopes to be there to help pick up the pieces.
“I put some applications in for weekend serving jobs, since it’s right in line with the type of work that I already do. I’m hopeful for a few calls back,” she carries on as though this ‘big news’ is just normal now. The whole conversation almost feels like an afterthought instead of the heavy life-changing moment that it is – Santiago can hardly believe that it’s happening.
Dinner goes about as well as it normally does, idle chitchat with humorous bursts throughout. Caroline gushes about certain customers while simultaneously complaining about another. Santiago gripes about his classmates in some capacity but generally talks about something that he’s learned from earlier in the week. Caroline’s mentions of leaving school pop up periodically, how she won’t miss having homework and waking up early for classes all week, and it becomes a commonplace as anything else they talk about when they’re together.
During dessert, though, his energy changes and Caroline notices.
“Something is bothering you,” Caroline remarks after they order chocolate cake. At first, he considers telling her that he’s just tired, or that he’s getting full. He could tell her the truth – the full, unadulterated, unabashed, and complete truth. That doesn’t sound like the worst choice.
But it feels like the worst choice.
So he speaks in half-truths, like an elf. “I’m just thinking. My apologies for being so distracted.”
Caroline broodingly rolls something similar to a growl in her throat. Surely trying to decide if she should call him out, she remains in this state of ‘maybe going to say something or maybe not.’ Santiago holds his bated breath in anticipation of whatever she does say next.
“Liar.”
Santiago shrugs. “If you’ve decided as much, there’s very little that I can do to convince you otherwise.”
Neither of them speaks while this idea hangs in the air, bringing the long silence that used to often fill their time spent together. Those days seem so far away to Santiago now that its pregnant presence is painfully returned. How did they ever become the friends they are now, the couple they are now?
Of course, they did become those things, didn’t they? Santiago reminds himself that as with their awkwardness, and their disagreements, and their tension, this too shall pass. Instead of instigating things further, or remaining complacent in the face of an uncertain future, he tries to relish the moment while he still has it.
That’s what he wishes he could’ve done with his parents, after all.
“We should do something after dinner.” The suggestion brightens her features and the grave look that had starting taking over her entire face disappears.
Caroline smiles and curls into herself. “I know that we’re kind of dressed up, but I can’t get laser tag out of my mind.”
“Then laser tag it is,” Santiago confirms.
Here’s the next addition to the Dinners with Caroline series.
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