GRIEF GROUP TRANSCRIPT
SESSION 3
DATE: 09/22/2014
TIME: 06:31 P.M.
TOTAL IN ATTENDANCE:
15 ATTENDEES, 16 REGISTERED FOR ATTENDANCE
DURATION OF MEETING:
60 MINUTES OUT OF THE MINIMUM 60 MINUTES REQUIRED
*BEGIN*
DR KUVAAR:
WELCOME BACK. I HOPE YOU HAD A LOVELY WEEKEND. DOES ANYONE WANT TO SHARE ANYTHING PRESSING OR TALK ABOUT THEIR DINNERS FROM THIS PAST WEEK?
PATIENT 1108:
WE COULD TALK ABOUT MY PUPPY GUARD. EMERY SUCKS.
PATIENT 621:
THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.
DR KUVAAR:
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO TALK THAT WAY ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN TRYING TO HELP YOU?
PATIENT 1108:
WHY WOULD ANYONE MAKE ME COME TO THIS STUPID GROUP IN THE FIRST PLACE? I DON’T NEED IT. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE. SO WHY IS IT THIS UNSPOKEN REQUIREMENT OF ME TO SHOW UP?
DR KUVAAR:
TO BE FAIR, KELLER, WE DID DISCUSS WHY YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BE HERE THIS MORNING.
PATIENT 1108 (KELLER):
YOU DISCUSSED WHY I AM SUPPOSED TO COME AND I LISTENED OUT OF OBLIGATION.
PATIENT 506:
I THINK NOW WOULD BE A REALLY GREAT TIME TO CHANGE TOPICS BECAUSE THIS CONVERSATION IS JUST GOING TO GO IN CIRCLES AND THAT’S A FAR TOO FAMILIAR PATTERN FOR ME.
DR KUVAAR:
SURE. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCUSS?
PATIENT 506:
I NOTICED THAT BRIGHTON IS BACK THIS WEEK, BUT THERE’S NO HANNAH.
PATIENT 1002:
SOME OF US WERE HERE WHEN SHE JOINED GRIEF GROUP. WE KNOW ENOUGH TO BE CONCERNED.
DR KUVAAR:
BRIGHTON, WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE EVERYONE OR WOULD YOU PREFER IF I DID TALKING?
PATIENT 401 (BRIGHTON):
TO BE HONEST, HANNAH DOESN’T CARE WHAT WE TELL THEM, BUT I REALLY DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING ANYTHING YET. THERE’S A LOT MORE THAT I THINK I’D LIKE TO KNOW FROM HER BEFORE SHARING HER BUSINESS.
DR KUVAAR:
THAT’S QUITE ALL RIGHT, BRIGHTON.
DR KUVAAR (TO EVERYONE):
BEFORE GROUP TONIGHT, I ASKED BRIGHTON TO CONSIDER HOW MUCH SHE FELT COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING WITH THE GROUP TONIGHT. ULTIMATELY, THE DECISION IS BRIGHTON’S, AS SHE IS HANNAH’S PARTNER. THAT BEING SAID, HANNAH WAS VERY CLEAR THAT EVERYONE KNOW THAT SHE HAS RETURNED TO THE MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY WHERE SHE PREVIOUSLY RESIDED.
PATIENT 506:
YOU CAN’T EXPECT THOSE OF US THAT REALLY KNOW HANNAH TO NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THAT STATEMENT, ANYA.
PATIENT 1002:
CASSIDY, WE’RE NOT ENTITLED TO THAT INFORMATION. IF BRIGHTON DOESN’T THINK THAT TODAY IS THE BEST TIME TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, THEN WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR HER TO BE READY.
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT THIS?
DR KUVAAR:
I HAVE ALREADY VISITED HANNAH TWICE SINCE LAST WEEK. WE HAVE DISCUSSED MANY THINGS AT GREAT LENGTH AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS WAS THE BEST CHOICE FOR HANNAH TO MAKE AT THIS POINT IN TIME.
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
CHOICE?
DR KUVAAR:
YES. HANNAH CHOSE TO RETURN.
PATIENT 1002:
SEE? THERE’S NO REASON TO BE WORRIED.
DR KUVAAR:
WHY DON’T WE CHANGE TOPICS AGAIN? CAN I HAVE ALL OF THE PAIRS THAT HAD DINNER SINCE LAST WEEK PLEASE RAISE THEIR HANDS?
6 PAIRS OF PARTNERS RAISE THEIR HANDS
DR KUVAAR:
THAT’S VERY GOOD. DOES ANYONE WANT TO SHARE WHERE THEY WENT OR HOW THE DINNER HELPED THEM THIS WEEK?
PATIENT 209:
WE HAD DINNER AT OUR USUAL TIME THIS WEEK, MY PARTNER AND I, AND I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT HOW BAD A DAY I WAS HAVING UNTIL WE SAT DOWN IN THE CAFETERIA AND I STARTED LETTING EVERYTHING OFF MY CHEST.
PATIENT 822:
I HAVE TO AGREE. WE SKIPPED DINNER LAST WEEK BUT WHEN WE MET UP AFTER OUR LECTURES LAST FRIDAY, IT HAD BEEN ONE HELL OF A WEEK. GETTING ALL THE BULLSHIT AND STRESS OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS HELPED.
PATIENT 209:
HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T ASKING ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ AFTER EVERY DEPRESSING COMMENT YOU MAKE WAS REFRESHING. ONE OF THE WORST THINGS ABOUT MY DAD DYING IS HOW MANY TIMES EVERYONE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD, LIKE I DON’T ALREADY KNOW THAT. BUT I GET THAT IT’S GONNA TAKE TIME TO HEAL, SO WHY CAN’T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT MY STRESS RELIEVER IS MAKING MORBID JOKES ABOUT MY OWN MORTALITY?
PATIENT 822:
I DON’T KNOW THAT I TOTALLY LOVE THE MORBID JOKES, BUT IT’S A FAIR COMPLAINT. WHEN YOU’RE GRIEVING, IT’S PRACTICALLY A SIN TO HAVE ANY SENSE OF HUMOR.
DR KUVAAR:
THAT IS A COMMON PROBLEM WHEN COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE. WHEN YOU’VE LOST SOMEONE, EVERYONE THINKS THAT THEY ARE HELPING BY ASKING IF YOU’RE OKAY AND IF YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT SOMETIMES THAT MAKES IT HURT WORSE BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT HEALING FAST ENOUGH.
PATIENT 401 (BRIGHTON):
THERE IS A POINT WHERE THOSE SORTS OF JOKES SHOULD BE CONCERNING, THOUGH.
DR KUVAAR:
BRIGHTON ALSO MAKES A FAIR POINT. MORBID JOKING IS A NICHE SENSE OF HUMOR, BUT THERE ARE SOME INDIVIDUALS WHO SHOULDN’T BE MAKING THOSE REMARKS LOOSELY. AT SOME POINT, IT SHOULD BE SEEN A WARNING SIGN OF A DEEPER ISSUE.
PATIENT 209:
I’VE ALWAYS HAD THIS SENSE OF HUMOR. LEARNED FROM MY DAD, ACTUALLY. WE PREFERRED TO BE TRANSPARENT ABOUT DYING RATHER THAN PRETENDING THAT IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO OUR LOVED ONES.
PATIENT 911:
PEOPLE DON’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT, YOU MORON. PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY’RE GOING TO DIE. THAT’S WHY THERE’S SO MUCH MONEY GOING INTO ANTI-AGING CREAMS, AND DIETS THAT KEEP YOU FIT AND HEALTHY WELL INTO YOUR GERIATRIC YEARS. IT’S NOT SOME FALLACY, THIS WHOLE DYING BUSINESS. THE REAL ISSUE IS PEOPLE NOT TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME THEY HAVE WITH THEIR LOVED ONES. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE THE HARDEST TIME AFTER SOMEONE DIES. IT’S HARD BECAUSE THEY HAVE REGRETS THAT EAT THEM FROM THE INSIDE OUT UNTIL THEY MEET THEIR OWN UNFORTUNATE END.
DR KUVAAR:
YOU WERE VERY INDELICATE ABOUT THE WAY YOU EXPRESSED YOURSELF, CAROLINE.
PATIENT 621:
THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS TRUE, DOCTOR KUVAAR.
PATIENT 417:
IS IT TIME FOR BREAK YET BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING REALLY INTENSE AND DARK AND I, FOR ONE, DO NOT THINK THAT I AM MENTALLY CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH IT RIGHT NOW.
PATIENT 1108 (KELLER):
OH NO. BABY EMERY CAN’T HANDLE THE HARSH REALITIES OF BEING SAD.
DR KUVAAR:
EMERY IS RIGHT. NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A BREAK AND LET THE TENSION DISSIPATE. WHEN WE COME BACK I WANT US TO SHARE SOME OF OUR HAPPIEST MEMORIES ABOUT THOSE WE’VE LOST. I WILL SHARE FIRST, AS IT IS UNFAIR TO EXPECT AS MUCH FROM YOU WITHOUT PARTICIPATING MYSELF. LET’S BE BACK IN OUR SEATS AT 7:00.
** BRIEF UNSTRUCTURED INTERMISSION FROM 6:50 TO 7:00 PM **
DR KUVAAR:
I WANT US TO FOCUS ON SOME HAPPIER TOPICS. WE NEED TO SHARE POSITIVE MEMORIES AND TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BRING US JOY. CASSIDY, YOUR HAND IS RAISED, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO START US OFF WITH?
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
YES. SO, LIKE I SAID LAST WEEK, MY AUNT PERRY WAS BASICALLY OUR NANNY. SHE TOOK CARE OF MY BROTHER AND ME. IT ALLOWED MY MOM KEEP WORKING HER OFFICE JOB. THEN AUNT PERRY WORKED WEEKENDS AS A BARTENDER, AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT HER WAS WHEN WE WOULD HAVE CAMPFIRES AND SHE WOULD MIX NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL OF OUR FRIENDS. SHE SERVED THEM AS IF THEY DID HAVE ALCOHOL, THOUGH. WE LET EVERYONE THINK THAT THEY WERE, TOO, SO SHE MADE US SEEM WAY COOLER THAN WE ACTUALLY WERE. BUT WE WERE SAFER BECAUSE OF IT.
DR KUVAAR:
IT SOUNDS LIKE PERRY WAS A VERY FUN WOMAN AND A RESPONSIBLE CAREGIVER. MAY I ASK HOW YOUR BROTHER IS DOING SINCE HER PASSING?
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
ABOUT THE SAME AS ME, I THINK. HE MOVED IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AT THE START OF SUMMER BREAK, SO I THINK THAT HAS BEEN HELPING HIM SINCE HE ISN’T IN ANY SUPPORT GROUPS.
DR KUVAAR:
YOU DON’T LIKE HIS GIRLFRIEND, IF I RECALL. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HIS DECISION?
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
THEIR RELATIONSHIP ISN’T BAD OR ANYTHING, REALLY. I JUST HATE KNOWING THAT THEY’RE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE. SHE JUST SEEMS TO WANT DIFFERENT THINGS THAN HIM AND I DON’T WANT HIM TO BE LET DOWN LATER WHEN HE’S READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE A FAMILY AND SHE TELLS HIM THAT SHE DOESN’T WANT THAT FROM HER LIFE. THEY WON’T TALK ABOUT IT DIRECTLY TO ONE ANOTHER, BUT THEY HAVE EACH COMPLAINED ABOUT IT TO ME ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.
PATIENT 1102:
I THINK YOU SHOULD SIT THEM DOWN AND MAKE THEM ADDRESS IT FACE-TO-FACE. BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
I HAVE TO AGREE. YOU SHOULD MAKE THEM SEE THAT NOW RATHER THAN LATER.
DR KUVAAR:
LET’S CHANGE TOPICS. THERE’S VALUE TO THIS CONVERSATION BUT I DIVERTED US AWAY FROM THE FOCUS I’D HOPED TO PURSUE WHEN WE RETURNED TO THE CIRCLE.
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
WELL, DOC, I COULD PROBABLY HELP GET US BACK ON TRACK. LAST NIGHT, I WAS GOING THROUGH MY LAUNDRY SO THAT I COULD PACK AWAY MY WARM WEATHER CLOTHES AND I CAME ACROSS MY GRANDMOTHER’S WINTER COAT. I ENDED UP SLEEPING IN IT TO FEEL CLOSE TO HER. I HAD GIVEN THE COAT FOR HER FOR CHRISTMAS, WHICH IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THIS STORY. SHE USED TO WEAR IT AROUND THE APARTMENT BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY COLD ALL THE TIME. OUR HEATING WAS HIT AND MISS MOST OF THE TIME, SO SHE WAS WEARING IT WHEN SHE DIED.
DR KUVAAR:
DID WEARING THE COAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
DUH. THAT’S WHY I’M TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT.
DR KUVAAR:
WHAT ABOUT IT SPECIFICALLY MADE YOU HAPPY?
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
HEY, WEREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO START OFF BY SHARING A STORY?
DR KUVAAR:
YOU ARE RIGHT. I DID SAY THAT BEFORE OUR BREAK. I APOLOGIZE FOR MISSING THAT.
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
WEARING IT MADE ME HAPPY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT SHE LOVED IT, AND FOR HER TO HAVE DIED WEARING IT IS A REMINDER THAT SHE LOVED ME. I LIKE THAT FEELING.
DR KUVAAR:
SO, CAROLINE IS RIGHT. I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT I OFFERED TO SHARE MY HAPPIEST MEMORY ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT CHANGES EVERY TIME I TELL THE GRIEF GROUP ABOUT IT BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE THE EXPERIENCES I SHARED WITH HIM IN DIFFERENT WAYS. MORE RECENTLY, I THINK VERY FONDLY OF THE SIMPLE THINGS WE SHARED, ESPECIALLY WITH HIS DEATHDAY BEING TOMORROW, I THINK OF HOW BY NOW WE’D BE TALKING ABOUT GETTING A RESERVATION FOR DINNER FOR OUR DATE NIGHT AND PICKING OUT A MOVIE TO WATCH THE NEXT TIME WE’D BOTH BE HOME TOGETHER. A FAVORITE OF OURS WAS ALWAYS SAW.
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
THAT’S KINDA MESSED UP DOC.
DR KUVAAR:
WE LIKED WATCHING IT AND POINTING OUT THE MEDICAL FLAWS. IT ALWAYS GAVE HIM A LAUGH TO TALK ABOUT THE X, Y, AND Z BEHIND THINGS THAT COULDN’T POSSIBLY WORK. THEN I WOULD DO A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FOR THE CHARACTERS BETWEEN SCENES. IT WAS VERY ENJOYABLE, AND WE WOULD JUST CYCLE THROUGH THE SERIES PERIODICALLY. I LOVED HEARING HIS LAUGH WHENEVER SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT WAS SO ILLOGICAL THAT HE COULDN’T EVEN JUSTIFY THE FAKE SCIENCE BEHIND IT. SEVERAL MOVIES HAVE COME OUT SINCE HE DIED, AND I’VE WATCHED THEM JUST TO HEAR HIS VOICE IN MY HEAD, CRITICIZING THE FILM TEDIOUSLY.
PATIENT 911 (CAROLINE):
THAT’S REALLY WEIRD.
PATIENT 506 (CASSIDY):
AND WHO ARE YOU TO DEFINE NORMAL?
DR KUVAAR:
NORMAL IS REFLECTIVE OF EACH INDIVIDUAL PERSON. IT IS VERY LIKELY THAT THIS IS A WEIRD CONCEPT TO CAROLINE, AND THAT IS FINE. I AM UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO ADHERE TO HER IDEA OF NORMAL NO MORE THAN SHE IS EXPECTED TO ADHERE TO MY DEFINITION OF NORMAL EITHER.
PATIENT 1108 (KELLER):
THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE? THIS GRIEF GROUP IS SUPPOSED TO GET US BACK TO ‘NORMAL’ ISN’T IT? THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS.
DR KUVAAR:
THAT IS A MISCONCEPTION. THE POINT OF GRIEF GROUP IS TO GET YOU BACK TO A PLACE OF STABILITY. AFTER LOSING A LOVED ONE, YOUR SENSE OF NORMAL IS GONE. THERE’S NO WAY FOR IT TO RETURN TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE, EITHER, SO YOU MUST DEFINE A NEW NORMAL. ALL I AM HERE TO DO IS MAKE SURE THAT YOU FIND A HEALTHY LIFE AFTER LOSS.
PATIENT 811:
MY HAPPIEST MEMORIES ABOUT MY GRANDPA ARE WHENEVER WE WOULD GO TO THE FARMER’S MARKET. HE PREFERRED TO EAT FRESH FOODS AND HIS ARTHRITIS MADE GARDENING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. SO WE WOULD GO TOGETHER TO GET MEAT, VEGETABLES, AND EGGS. HE WAS BIG INTO THE FARM-TO-TABLE BUSINESS. I MAKE IT A POINT TO GO TO THE FARMER’S MARKET ONCE A MONTH NOW AND BUY EVERYTHING I NEED FOR ONE MEAL FROM THERE. IT HELPS ME FEEL CLOSER TO HIM AND IT’S BEEN GIVING ME A CHANCE TO SHOW MY CRAZY ROOMMATE THAT I CAN, IN FACT, CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE TO DO IT.
DR KUVAAR:
I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU TOOK MY ADVICE WITH YOUR ROOMMATE, AND DOUBLY AS PLEASED TO HEAR THAT IT IS WORKING.
PATIENT 811:
IT DIDN’T START OFF SO NICELY. I GOT INTO A SHOUTING MATCH WITH HER AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES BEFORE SHE AGREED TO BACK OFF. SHE THOUGHT I WAS HAVING SOME SORT OF MELTDOWN, I GUESS, AND WANTED TO GIVE ME SPACE MORE THAN SHE WANTED TO CLEAN UP.
DR KUVAAR:
FIGHTING IS NEVER THE BEST SOLUTION, BUT IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR PEOPLE TO BE FORCED TO SPEAK THEIR MIND IN VERY TENSE SITUATIONS. AT LEAST IT DID NOT ESCALATE TO A POINT WHERE THE SITUATION WAS UNCONTROLLABLE.
PATIENT 1108 (KELLER):
IS THIS MEETING OVER YET? IT’S ALMOST 7:30.
DR KUVAAR:
IS THERE ANYONE THAT WANTED TO SHARE A HAPPY MEMORY THAT DID NOT GET TO SHARE TONIGHT?
MUFFLED RESPONSES TO THE QUESTION THAT ARE UNINTELLIGIBLE
DR KUVAAR (TO EVERYONE):
THEN I THINK THAT WE CAN END THE SESSION THERE. IT IS MY HOPE THAT THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FACING DIFFICULTIES WITH YOUR PARTNERS WILL OVERCOME THEM THIS WEEK. I AM ALWAYS AVAILABLE ANY TIME OF DAY YOU NEED ME FOR ANY REASON THAT YOU WOULD NEED ME. PLEASE BE GOOD TO YOURSELVES UNTIL WE MEET NEXT MONDAY.
*END*
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