DISCLAIMER: CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER COULD HAVE TRIGGERING CONTENT, SUCH AS MENTIONS OF A CHARACTER COMMITTING SUICIDE. PLEASE EXERCISE CAUTION WHILE READING THIS PIECE AND STOP IF YOU FIND YOURSELF GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE CONTENT. ABOVE ALL ELSE, YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS TO ME.
GRIEF GROUP TRANSCRIPT
SESSION 1
DATE: 09/8/2014
TIME: 06:30 P.M.
TOTAL IN ATTENDANCE:
13 ATTENDEES, 16 REGISTERED FOR ATTENDANCE
DURATION OF MEETING:
75 MINUTES OUT OF THE MINIMUM 60 MINUTES REQUIRED
*BEGIN*
DR KUVAAR:
GOOD EVENING.
VARIOUS PATIENTS:
GOOD EVENING, DOCTOR.
DR KUVAAR:
I WANTED TO OPEN OUR MEETING TODAY BY THANKING YOU FOR CHOOSING TO COME TONIGHT. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON OUR COMMITMENTS WHEN WE ARE GRIEVING.
VARIOUS PATIENTS WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES
DR KUVAAR:
TONIGHT I WANT TO START OUR CONVERSATION BY REVIEWING THE DINNER INITIATIVE THAT WE STARTED LAST WEEK. WE DIDN’T TALK FOR VERY LONG AFTER WE RETURNED FROM OUR COFFEE BREAK, SO I WANTED TO KNOW, NOW THAT YOU’VE HAD TIME TO PROCESS THAT EXPERIENCE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
PATIENT 118:
I THINK MEETING WITH OUR PARTNER ONCE A WEEK FOR A YEAR IS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME AND THAT YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO GET OUT OF DOING YOUR JOB, IF YOU WANT THE HONEST TRUTH, DOC. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS EVEN GOING TO WORK? CAN YOU ACTUALLY GIVE US ASSIGNMENTS LIKE THAT? WE’RE ALREADY IN SCHOOL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
PATIENT 401:
HANNAH WAS AN ABSOLUTE GROUCH WHEN WE HAD COFFEE LAST WEEK. SHE HAS ZERO DESIRE TO BE HERE.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
YOU MEAN THAT WASN’T OBVIOUS BEFORE I WENT FOR COFFEE?
DR KUVAAR:
WHY DOESN’T HANNAH WANT TO BE HERE? DID SHE SAY?
PATIENT 401:
SHE DIDN’T TELL ME MUCH OF ANYTHING. HANNAH JUST KEPT REPEATING EVERY FEW MINUTES THAT THIS WAS A WASTE OF HER TIME, THAT SHE DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE, AND THAT SHE HOPES I’M NOT RELYING ON HER TO STICK AROUND TOO LONG BECAUSE SHE IS GONNA GET OUT OF THERAPY A.S.A.P.
DR KUVAAR:
HANNAH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU’RE HERE?
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
IT IS A REQUIREMENT.
DR KUVAAR:
IT IS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS A REQUIREMENT?
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
I SURE DO BUT I DON’T CARE.
DR KUVAAR:
WELL, I CARE, AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO OPEN UP TO BRIGHTON. HER PARTNERSHIP THROUGH THERAPY COULD PROVE INVALUABLE.
DR KUVAAR [TO PATIENT 401]:
BRIGHTON, DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING US WHY YOU HAVE JOINED GRIEF GROUP?
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
MY SISTER DIED SIX MONTHS AGO. I TOOK THE REST OF THE SEMESTER OFF FROM SCHOOL TO HELP MY PARENTS AND IF I RETURNED TO SCHOOL, MY PARENTS PUT IN A REQUEST FOR ME TO JOIN GRIEF GROUP UNTIL I CAN PROVE THAT MY GRADES WILL STAY UP AND THAT I’LL STAY ENROLLED.
DR KUVAAR:
AND YOU WERE CLOSE TO YOUR SISTER, IF I RECALL CORRECTLY.
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
YES. WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME TO WELLS UNIVERSITY NEXT YEAR FOR THE SAME MAJOR.
PATIENT 401 SCOOTS CHAIR OUT OF CIRCLE AND EXITS TO RECEIVE A TISSUE BOX
PATIENT 401 RETURNS TO SEAT
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
WE WERE GOING TO OPEN A VETERINARY CLINIC TOGETHER WHEN SHE GRADUATED.
DR KUVAAR:
DO YOU AGREE WITH YOUR PARENTS REQUEST TO HAVE YOU JOIN GRIEF GROUP?
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
I DO, AND I DON’T LOVE IT NECESSARILY, BUT I PERSONALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF HAVING A PARTNER THAT I MEET UP WITH EVERY WEEK. I KNOW HANNAH ISN’T LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, BUT IT GIVES ME SOMETHING POSITIVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO BECAUSE, EVEN IF HANNAH IS MISERABLE, I KNOW THAT I CAN BE THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE’S READY.
DR KUVAAR:
BRIGHTON, I APPRECIATE THAT YOU’RE SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH US. THESE ARE PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO OPEN UP IN A SETTING LIKE THIS ONE. I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, THOUGH, AND I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ONLY IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. IS THAT OKAY?
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
THAT’S FINE. BUT I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO ASK ME. IT’S ABOUT HOW MY SISTER DIED, ISN’T IT?
DR KUVAAR:
YES. LIKE I SAID, ONLY ANSWER IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING US WHAT HAPPENED.
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
UM, YEAH, I CAN DO THAT. UM.
PATIENT 401 BEGINS CRYING AND THEN BLOWS NOSE
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
MY SISTER, UM, KILLED HERSELF. WE DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I KNEW WHERE SHE KEPT ALL OF HER PASSWORDS WRITTEN DOWN. AFTER HER FUNERAL I STARTED DIGGING AROUND TO SEE IF SHE WAS BEING BULLIED OR IF THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE WAS HIDING FROM US.
PATIENT 401 BEGINS CRYING AGAIN
DR KUVAAR:
BRIGHTON, IF YOU NEED A MOMENT TO CALM DOWN, WE CAN MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE. THIS IS A VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE?
PATIENT 401 NODS
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
WHY DINNERS? WHY NOT HAVE US PARTNER UP TO DO SCHOOLWORK OR SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY HELPS US? HAVING US COMMIT TO MEET UP ONCE A WEEK FOR DINNER IS SUPER RIDICULOUS. SOME OF US WON’T BE HERE THAT LONG.
DR KUVAAR:
I’M GLAD THAT YOU’RE ASKING THAT QUESTION. MANY OF YOU LEFT IN A HURRY LAST THURSDAY AND I HAD A FEELING THAT MAYBE WE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THESE DINNER COMMITMENTS. MEETING UP WITH SOMEONE REGULARLY WILL ACCOMPLISH A LOT OF THINGS FOR US IN THIS TIME OF GRIEF. IT WILL FORGE LASTING FRIENDSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO ALSO JUST LOST A PART OF THEIR HEART. IT WILL NOT REPLACE OUR LOVED ONES, BUT IT WILL GIVE US COMFORT THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS. THESE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WILL LEAD TO HEALTHY HEALING AS WELL, AND IT WILL CREATE AN EXPECTATION, OR STANDARD, FOR THE NEXT TIME WE ARE FACED WITH ANOTHER LOSS OF THIS MAGNITUDE IN OUR PERSONAL LIVES.
PATIENT 911:
YOU KEEP SAYING ‘US’ LIKE YOU’RE GRIEVING TOO. WHO HAVE YOU LOST? IF YOU WANT US TO TRUST YOU AND BELIEVE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WE’RE FEELING, I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE TO SHARE YOUR BUSINESS FIRST.
DR KUVAAR:
I AGREE. THAT IS FAIR.
VARIOUS PATIENTS WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES
DR KUVAAR:
MY HUSBAND WAS AN EMERGENCY ROOM SURGEON AND OFTEN STAYED OVERNIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL. HE HAD FALLEN ASLEEP IN HIS OFFICE AND WASN’T ANSWERING HIS PHONE, SO I FIGURED I WOULD STOP BY THE HOSPITAL TO SURPRISE HIM WITH HIS FAVORITE SUB SANDWICH. WHEN I GOT THERE, HIS OFFICE WAS LOCKED SO I TRACKED DOWN A NURSE HE WORKED WITH THAT KEPT AN EXTRA KEY. WHEN WE GOT INSIDE HE WAS UNRESPONSIVE AND COLD. HE PRONOUNCED DEAD VERY SOON AFTER. WHEN AN AUTOPSY WAS DONE, IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD AN ANEURYSM.
PATIENT 911:
HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT? YOU SOUND AWFULLY CALM.
DR KUVAAR:
THIS HAPPENED SIX YEARS AGO, RIGHT BEFORE I GOT TENURE HERE AT WELLS.
PATIENT 621:
YOU MAKE IT SEEM LIKE TIME HEALS EVERYTHING.
PATIENT 118 BEGINS CLAPPING
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
YES, WHAT A GOOD SHOW SHE PUTS ON. A-PLUS PERFORMANCE.
PATIENT 621:
SO? DOES IT? DOES TIME MAKE ALL OF IT EASIER?
DR KUVAAR:
WOULD YOU LIKE AN HONEST ANSWER?
PATIENT 621:
OBVIOUSLY.
DR KUVAAR:
TIME CAN ONLY HEAL IF YOU LET IT. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT TIME WILL HEAL YOU, AND IF YOU ALLOW TIME TO EASE THE PAIN, THEN, YES, TIME WILL HEAL YOU AND MAKE THINGS EASIER. BUT IF YOU DO NOT LET THE PASSAGE OF TIME GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO MOVE PAST THIS ONE DAY THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, THEN YOU WILL FOREVER REMAIN STUCK IN THOSE MOMENTS.
PATIENT 911:
THAT’S A BIT HEAVY TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO JUST LOST HIS PARENTS, DOCTOR.
DR KUVAAR:
SANTIAGO WANTED AN HONEST ANSWER AND I CANNOT FORGE TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOU IF I LIE OR DANCE AROUND THE ANSWER. BESIDES, I THINK SANTIAGO ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
PATIENT 621 [SANTIAGO]:
I’M SORRY THAT YOU LOST YOUR HUSBAND, DOCTOR ANYA.
DR KUVAAR:
THANK YOU, SANTIAGO. I KNOW THAT I CANNOT CHANGE HIS PASSING. I CAN ONLY CONTROL HOW I HANDLE MY LIFE AND MYSELF AFTER HIS DEATH.
PATIENT 1231:
IS THAT WHY YOU DECIDED TO START A GRIEF GROUP?
DR KUVAAR:
ACTUALLY, I TOOK OVER THE GRIEF GROUP. DOCTOR FRANCES WAS RUNNING IT AT THE TIME BUT WAS GOING TO BE MOVING INTO HIS NEW POSITION AS THE DEPARTMENT HEAD OF PSYCHOLOGY. SINCE HE WOULDN’T HAVE TIME FOR IT, I FIGURED THAT IT WOULDN’T HURT FOR ME TO LEAD A GRIEF GROUP HAVING JUST LOST MY HUSBAND, AND I’VE BEEN DOING THIS EVER SINCE.
PATIENT 1231:
MY PARTNER DIDN’T COME TONIGHT BECAUSE HE SAID HE WANTED TO TAKE A NAP.
DR KUVAAR:
A NAP IS REFRESHING. PERHAPS YOUR PARTNER HAD A LONG DAY?
PATIENT 1231:
NO, HE JUST DIDN’T WANT TO COME.
DR KUVAAR:
HOW MANY PEOPLE DIDN’T WANT TO COME TONIGHT?
SEVERAL PATIENTS RAISE THEIR HANDS
DR KUVAAR:
THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO COME TONIGHT INSTEAD OF GOING STRAIGHT HOME?
PATIENT 811:
I HATE MY ROOMMATE.
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
I HATE MINE TOO.
PATIENT 621 [SANTIAGO]:
YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT.
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS.
DR KUVAAR:
WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATES?
PATIENT 811:
MY ROOMMATE IS A TOTAL NEAT FREAK. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT BEING LECTURED ABOUT HOW GROSS SOMETHING IS AND HOW MESSY I AM WHEN I DO SOMETHING. I TRY REALLY HARD TO NOT BE HOME AT THE SAME TIME. SOMETIMES, I GO NEXT DOOR TO USE THE BATHROOM.
DR KUVAAR:
HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR ROOMMATE THAT YOU AREN’T HAPPY WITH THE WAY YOU’RE BEING TREATED?
PATIENT 811:
LITERALLY ALL THE TIME.
DR KUVAAR:
AND HOW DOES YOUR ROOMMATE FEEL ABOUT THAT?
PATIENT 811:
THE DEATH OF MY GRANDPA IS USED AGAINST ME A LOT. ‘YOU’RE JUST A WRECK BECAUSE YOUR GRANDPA DIED BUT FOLLOWING THESE RULES WILL BRING ORDER BACK TO YOUR LIFE!” SHE’S CONVINCED THAT SHE’S HELPING ME.
DR KUVAAR:
MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION?
PATIENT 811:
SURE. I MEAN, THAT’S KIND OF WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, ISN’T IT?
DR KUVAAR:
I DON’T WANT TO OFFER ADVICE TO YOU IF IT IS NOT WANTED. I WILL HELP WHEN YOU ASK FOR IT, AND I WILL LISTEN WHEN YOU WANT ME TO.
PATIENT 811:
WHAT ADVISE DO YOU HAVE, DOCTOR ANYA?
DR KUVAAR:
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN WITH YOUR ROOMMATE AND SPLIT CLEANING RESPONSIBILITIES. BY REMOVING SOME OF THE TASKS FROM YOUR ROOMMATE’S POWER, YOU’RE SHOWING THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT IN YOUR OWN WAY, AND GIVING YOUR ROOMMATE AN OPPORTUNITY TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GETTING DONE.
PATIENT 811:
I DON’T KNOW IF THAT WILL WORK, BUT I GUESS I COULD TRY IT.
DR KUVAAR:
BE SURE TO LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES, DANA.
DR KUVAAR [TO EVERYONE]:
WE’VE COVERED A LOT OF TOPICS, I THINK, AND WE’RE A LITTLE PAST HALF WAY THROUGH OUR TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT. LET’S TAKE A SHORT BREAK TO GET SOME REFRESHMENTS AND RELAX BEFORE WE COME BACK TO THE CIRCLE. I’D LIKE EVERYONE BACK IN OUR SEATS AT 7:20.
VARIOUS PATIENTS LEAVE THEIR SEATS
** BRIEF UNSTRUCTURED INTERMISSION FROM 7:10 TO 7:20 PM **
DR KUVAAR:
SO, WE GOT A LITTLE OFF TRACK EARLIER. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW WE ALL FEEL ABOUT OUR PARTNERS AND GOING OUT FOR DINNER EVERY WEEK.
PATIENT 1002:
PERSONALLY, MY PARTNER WAS FABULOUS. WE KNOW EACH OTHER FROM GRIEF GROUP LAST YEAR AND FELT COMFORTABLE PARTNERING UP BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAD THAT EXPERIENCE TOGETHER.
PATIENT 506:
YEAH, WE BOTH LOST A FAMILY MEMBER TO CANCER, SO HAVING THAT IN COMMON MAKES THINGS EASIER TO MEET UP AND SOCIALIZE. IT’S GOING TO BE REALLY HELPFUL AROUND THE MAJOR HOLIDAYS COMING UP TOO.
DR KUVAAR:
I WAS GLAD TO SEE WHEN YOU PARTNERED UP LAST WEEK.
PATIENT 506 & 1002 [SIMULTANEOUSLY]:
WE FIGURED.
DR KUVAAR:
IS ANYONE ELSE HAPPY WITH THE PARTNER THEY’VE CHOSEN?
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
I TESTED MANY PEOPLE AND SANTIAGO IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS ABLE TO GET PAST MY UNFORGIVING PERSONALITY. I THINK THAT’S PRETTY GREAT.
DR KUVAAR:
WHY WERE YOU PUSHING EVERYONE AWAY, CAROLINE?
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT A PARTNER.
DR KUVAAR:
BUT YOU WERE TESTING PEOPLE? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU WANTED A PARTNER, BUT YOU ONLY WANTED THEM IF THEY MET A CERTAIN QUALIFICATION OR STANDARD.
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
IT WAS JUST FOR FUN. I WAS HOPING THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE A PARTNER BY THE END.
DR KUVAAR:
THAT’S INTERESTING, CAROLINE.
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
EVERYTHING IS INTERESTING TO YOU, IF WE’RE BEING FAIR HERE, DOCTOR.
DR KUVAAR:
HOW DID YOU END UP IN GRIEF GROUP, CAROLINE?
PATIENT 621 [SANTIAGO]:
DON’T ANSWER THAT.
DR KUVAAR:
WHY DON’T YOU WANT HER TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, SANTIAGO? I DO THINK THAT SHE SHOULD DECIDE THAT FOR HERSELF.
PATIENT 911 [CAROLINE]:
I TOLD SANTIAGO HOW I ENDED UP HERE. I THINK THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE TIME BEING.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
OH, IS SHE REQUIRED TO BE HERE TOO?
DR KUVAAR:
CAROLINE WILL TELL US IN HER OWN TIME, JUST AS YOU WILL.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY WE’RE HERE ANYWAY.
DR KUVAAR:
IS THERE ANYONE HERE THAT MAYBE DOESN’T THINK THEIR PARTNER IS THE BEST FIT FOR THEM?
PATIENT 1002:
I DON’T THINK THAT’S GOING TO WORK, ANYA.
DR KUVAAR:
THIS IS A SAFE PLACE AND I WANT TO OPEN THE CONVERSATION UP FOR THE POSSIBILITY THAT SOMEONE WILL CHOOSE TO BE OPEN ABOUT SOMETHING THAT ISN’T WORKING.
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
I DON’T THINK HANNAH WANTS TO BE MY PARTNER.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
I DON’T THINK THAT’S FOR PUBLIC DISCUSSION.
PATIENT 401 [BRIGHTON]:
BUT I’M HAPPY TO BE HER PARTNER.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
I THINK THAT WE’RE PAST OUR ONE HOUR AND THAT WE SHOULD ALL LEAVE.
DR KUVAAR:
HANNAH IS RIGHT, WE’RE ALMOST FIFTEEN MINUTES PAST OUR TIME. HOWEVER, BEFORE WE GO, I WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT EVERY MONDAY AFTER THIS, I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO BRING YOUR JOURNALS TO THESE MEETINGS.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
WHY SHOULD WE? WHAT’S THE POINT?
DR KUVAAR:
IT HELPS ME SEE HOW YOU’RE DOING IF YOU’RE NOT TALKING TO THE GROUP DURING THESE MEETINGS. I AM ALSO TRACKING HOW OFTEN PARTNERS ARE MEETING FOR EACH OF YOUR RECORDS, AS WELL AS MY OWN.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
SO IF WE DON’T SHOW UP WITH JOURNALS OR DON’T SHOW UP AT ALL, WE GET PUNISHED? ISN’T COMING TO THESE MEETINGS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH?
DR KUVAAR:
IT HELPS ME IDENTIFY IF CERTAIN PATIENTS NEED FURTHER COUNSELING, IF YOU MUST KNOW, HANNAH. I TRY TO MAKE THESE MEETINGS LESS ABOUT THE FORMALITIES BEHIND THE SCENES AND MORE ABOUT THE EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES WE’RE ALL HAVING.
PATIENT 118 [HANNAH]:
WHATEVER, I’M OUT OF HERE.
DR KUVAAR:
I HOPE THAT YOU ALL TAKE SOME TIME TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNERS ABOUT YOUR DINNER ARRANGEMENTS THIS WEEK. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND CALL ME AT ANY TIME IF YOU NEED ME. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MY FIRST PRIORITY AT ANY HOUR. IF YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEK, THEN I WILL SEE YOU NEXT MONDAY. SAME TIME, SAME PLACE.
VARIOUS PATIENTS SPEAK SIMULTANEOUSLY TO SAY FAREWELL
CHAIRS SKID ACROSS FLOORS
UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING
* END *
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