There comes a time in our parenting journeys where we have to adjust the way we show our love for our children. Terms like “helicopter parent” and “lawnmower parenting” making it hard to know when and where and how to parent your child the right way. If you help them too much, you’re controlling them, but if you don’t help enough, then you’re selfishly ignoring their needs. That’s the real trick in parenting – finding the right balance.
I’ve been struggling to find that balance.
Depending on who you ask, I am either the helicopter parent or I am the risk-taking liberal who leaves nothing to their child’s imagination. I feel that while many people commend me as a parent, there are just as many who are critical of my choices as a mom. Thankfully, I parent for my son and myself, and those opinions don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. As long as my son loves my husband and me, who cares what someone else thinks about my parenting style? Their adjectives don’t change the family dynamic that we have in our home.
But –
I can’t pretend that my son isn’t growing up. He’s going to be in middle school soon. It is so hard to believe that this tiny human, this little man, is – not a little man any more. The teen years are approaching, as are the many unknown variables of him being a teenager. Gone are the days where I can be the superhero mom who saves the day at school and give him nose kisses before he races to class. Soon to come are the days where he would rather shut the door in my face than tell me what he did at school. All of the days won’t be like that, of course, but I know that I have control over how often we have those kinds of days.
So I’ve adopted a new motto, and I do have to remind myself about it daily:
I am going to love you more in your heart than in your face.
As a person, I am not a physically affectionate person. Still, my son and I have a snuggle on the couch and love to hug each other, or high five when we see each other in the halls at school. Being that he is my only child and I have no ability to have more children, every shared moment is a gift and joy in both of our lives. Dad and I are his best friends, and goodness knows he is our best friend. We get hyped to show one another how much we love to be together.
That’s not how it’s going to work forever. These days I show my love less by inviting him to do everything with me at home and more by letting him choose to join me on the couch when he’s up to it. Instead of telling him how to deal with his negative emotions, I let him work through it until he is ready to ask for help. If he asks to spend more time with his friends, we don’t make him balance his time just because we’re busy. Friends will soon be just as important as family. He can’t learn what friendships are healthy if he doesn’t get to spend time with them to see what makes him happy and what ticks him off.
Loving in his face – all of our cuddles, snuggles, and kisses goodbye – these things will always be there no matter what. Regardless of age, we will always be able to do those things. Love in his heart? It might not be as immediately gratifying, but it is as important as loving him in his face. Loving him in his heart means letting him stay home with his phone instead of dragging him to the store every trip we make; loving him in his heart means watching him struggle a little bit on his own and letting him solve it without my constant guidance; loving him in his heart is him knowing that no matter how good or bad things get that I’m always here.
I can’t do any of that without changing the way I show him that I love him right now, during in the years where it’s still cool to love your mom but also embarrassing to be loved by your mom. A change that big doesn’t happen overnight. Thankfully, I have a couple years left to perfect it.
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