Recently, one of my co-workers asked me: “What’s your life plan?”
My first thought was: I never planned to be alive this long. That’s not necessarily still true today, but when I was fifteen, I was sure I’d be dead before twenty-five. Well into my pregnancy I was very suicidal. After my son was born, though, everything has been go-go-go. My life plan has been… Haphazard?
I have a Bachelor’s degree, I went to work in the field I studied for just about five years, but I’ve slowly job hopped to where I am now – working with children in an elementary school. I don’t have a teaching license, and that is something I’ve been working towards. Well, kind of? I applied for student aid to return to school but then I never applied to schools. Financially, it may end up being impossible for me to pursue – which is something I’ve had to slowly admit to myself while dancing around this possibility for three years.
One of the quiet things holding me back from moving forward is the fact that pursuing a second college degree will mean that writing – once again – falls to the backburner to be forgotten for the more urgent aspects of life: money, family, sleep…
And that causes me physical agony.
So – that question has been lingering in the back of my mind: what’s your life plan?
WhAt’S yOuR lIfE pLaN?
WHAT’S YOUR LIFE PLAN?
??? what’s ??? your ??? life ??? plan ???
I don’t know anymore.
I desperately love the idea of my own classroom, teaching reading, writing, math, and life skills. I’m really fond of the age group 9-12, your 4th through 6th graders. I feel like I can relate to that group and the material for that age is still interesting to me as an adult as well, which I think really makes a good teacher great.
But I desperately love writing just a little bit more.
If I don’t teach – I’m going to feel like a letdown, a liar, and a loser. I’ll have flaked out on what I keep telling everyone is my goal, my “life plan.” I already have a ton of student loan debt breathing down my neck from my degree and my husbands two attempts at college. The idea of more debt on top of this house that keeps falling apart every time I blink is suffocating, and, really, it makes me even more hesitant to go back to school to teach. Honestly, I love the job I do now so I could be happy doing this for the rest of my working life.
That phrase, though: “I could be happy…”
I am not implying that I am not happy with my job or that that time will ever come, but I could be happier writing every single day. That thought is why I’ve come this far – why I’ve pursued this blog and done Nanowrimo two years in a row. It’s why I started participating in writing contests. For all the ‘putting writing aside’ that I do, this is the thing I keep coming back to because this is the thing that makes me happiest.
My husband, my son, my cats, my best friend, and t.h.i.s.
I hope that the person who asked me this question doesn’t read this and think that I am offended or hurt by this question. It has been lingering in my mind for a few days and I think it was asked at a good time. I’ll be starting “Dinners with Caroline” in just about two weeks, with hopes of getting financial backing through the donation & pledge platform, Patreon. Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me something, that perhaps this is a sign from the cosmos that “Dinners with Caroline” is the thing that brings me into a proper writing career. That’s my hope, at least, and it reveals much of my heart, wouldn’t you agree?
In a perfect world, I’d be teaching writing while writing my own books because that is what breathes life into me. This is how I think I could make the biggest impact in both careers that appeal to me so much. For now, though, I’ll keep where I’m chugging along this dusty path I’ve jumped onto and see where it goes. I’ve got a few ideas in my mind for what to do next with this ‘life plan’ that leaves me split down the middle, but for now…
Being the best version of myself that I can be, doing things that I care about, and sometimes sleeping too.
All of this being said – I have a challenge for you as one of my readers. Reply to this blog post with a post of your own with the title “#whatsyourlifeplan” and be really honest about what your future looks like. Sometimes it looks messy, sometimes it looks great, and sometimes – you have to wonder if your life plan was written in the sloppy scrawl of an overworked doctor writing a prescription.
I’d love to read about your life plans, though, so please share.
Until the next post,
–ab
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