If you’re a regular reader, you’ll have noticed my significant absence. Maybe you didn’t notice right away because I wrote poems for every day in May, but you’ll have noticed now. I haven’t written anything for Project 52 – Dinners with Caroline.
Honestly, it’s not for a lack of material. It’s not for a lack of time, either, as I would usually explain in these kinds of posts.
The reason for my absence is a combination of poor mental health, poor physical health, and a really awful financial situation. All of this started at the beginning of the year, but the struggle of it all really culminated in April, and just became too heavy in May, which when I announced an official hiatus from writing for Dinners with Caroline.
I posted on my Facebook page that I would be posting in June, only for my summer job to take the life out of me during the first week of working. Then the second week came and I didn’t make enough time to write – ending with me being sick. Yes, sick. In the middle of the summer! Here we are, almost through the full month, and I guess it’s a two-month hiatus now.
If I’m fair, I can’t say whether or not I’ll be able to post in July. I may have to take the full summer off just to get myself right again. I don’t want to because I want this more than anything – well, almost more than anything. I won’t compromise my health for it because I have a child and a husband that need me to be healthy.
They need me to stay alive – and things have been so bad that I have to remind myself that I want to be alive. The battle between my logic and my depression is exhausting, and it’s only made more crippling by the fact that I feel like a failure for not following through perfectly with the schedule I set out for myself – by the fact that I didn’t even make it halfway through the year successfully –
by the fact that I’m a walking-talking failure –
by the fact that I shouldn’t be wasting my talents –
by the fact that I should be working towards getting published because I am a talented fucking writer.
Life has many lessons, though, and I guess I’m supposed to be learning one right now. I just hope that you’re patient and understanding while I’m learning it.
Keep your eyes open, please, and don’t give up on me.
Yours,
–ab
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