I am scared.
I am scared of what people will think of me when I talk about my opinions. I am scared of how my friends and family will treat me when I strongly disagree with their ideology. I am scared that my being careful of those around me will leave me isolated. I am scared to tell people important details about who I am as a person.
I am scared to tell people that I swear at home in front of my kid. I am scared to tell parents that we spend several hours a week playing videos games on our phones as a family. I am scared to tell people I’d rather have a pile of dishes than spend time with my kid on the couch. I am scared to tell people that I walk around in my underwear when it’s just my husband, my child, and me at home. I am scared to admit that I don’t care that the weeds are overgrown in my yard and that we definitely forget to clean our litter box on a regular schedule.
I am scared to tell people that I write under this pseudonym, Alixx Black. Of course, if you read my blog, this is probably the only name you know me by – but my legal name is not Alixx Black. If you know me by my legal name, then you don’t know who I am as a writer and as a person. I’m sorry that that’s the truth, but I am too scared to even tell you that to your face.
But why? Why am I so scared?
I am scared because I live in a Christian community with people who go to church more than once a week. I am scared because I work for a Christian company. I am scared because I work conservative people and live in a very conservative state. I am scared because my body is not child-friendly because of my self-harm scars. I am scared because I work with children whose parents might never approve of me if they knew more about me. I am scared because I am different.
I do not affiliate with nor do I practice a religion. I am liberally aligned on multiple political topics, especially on “polarizing” social issues. I struggle with my mental illnesses and have physical proof of the suicidal behaviors of my past. I swear way more than I should at home and write about very serious mental health issues; I like to be as representative as possible in my stories – especially with race and sexuality; I aim to be conscientious about what is and is not politically correct, even if I don’t always get it right the first time.
But when I’m working in my childcare and education roles, I don’t think about what I believe personally – at least not in these capacities. When I am at school, I only think is regards to what the rules are for the school. I will enforce them because that’s my job and that’s what children need when they are at school – it’s how they learn to be functioning teenagers and, eventually, functioning adults. Who I am as a person and as a writer should never interfere with my role as an assistant educator and primary childcare provider because I am very good at these jobs.
And yet – here I am – scared to death that it will.
I am planning to announce to my co-workers this week that I am having a book independently published later this year (early next year at the latest), but that it’s not going to be under my name. This book that I am writing is going to be perfect for the age of kids I work with during the day, but when I put this book into the hands of children – especially my fifth and sixth graders who will have the forethought to look me up (and their parents who will want to know more about the author who wrote the book) … They’re going to find this blog.
I shouldn’t be scared of that because there’s a lot of stuff I’m really proud of on this blog. Stories that I will remember for the rest of my life, poems that bring to light things that I care about, opinions that helped me grow for the better. I’ve been using this blog since 2015 – four years! – and I have grown so much. That is awesome that I can go back and see that, that readers can go back and see how much I’ve changed and improved as a writer and as a storyteller, and as a person in many cases. Aspiring authors like myself will be reminded that it talent and skill requires work and that everything takes time.
There’s so much to be happy with here.
And yet – here I am – scared that I could possibly alter the positive opinions people have fo me. I shouldn’t even care! If they don’t care about me enough to like me regardless of how different I am from them, then I shouldn’t be sad to lose them, but these relationships I’ve made with co-workers and parents have changed me for the better. Two of my four jobs, my two jobs working with children, has made me stronger and happier and so much better as a human being. I can’t imagine myself being half as well off now had I not taken my life in this direction.
But I’m scared that what I want to write will build a wall between the students and children I want to help grow into good people.
The thing is – there’s no perfect cookie-cutter way to be a good person.
I’m not Christian. I’m not neurotypical. I’m not always censored. I’m not okay with extremely conservative political policies.
But you know what? I am not defined by all of the things I refuse to be.
I am a talented writer. I am passionate about writing stories for people of all ages, so that maybe someday a family can read books written by me – whether it is a children’s book, a young adult novel, or an adult genre piece. I am enthusiastic about working in the special education department at my school. I am dedicated to all four of my jobs as equally as any person can be – and I’ve been mindful about how to continue giving to others while taking care of myself so that I can be the best version of myself when I am working. I care about every detail and want to learn all that I can from the kids I help and the adults that work by my side.
So – by the time I post this for all to see – the only thing I am really scared to admit is that I am Alixx Black and Alicia Haynes. Try as I might to keep those two things separate, in order to be the successful writer that I want to be, and show the kids I work with that you can do anything you set your mind to, I cannot keep Alixx Black hidden from the world that knows me as Alicia Haynes.
Now you that you know, you’re going to find all the best and worst parts of who I am, and that’s absolutely horrifying to consider. I’ve written disgusting fanfiction that I can’t believe I thought was good enough to share online. I’ve shared posts that I don’t even agree with anymore. I’ve said stuff that was ignorant and makes me sick to consider.
I am a work in progress and I just want everyone to know that no matter what you call me, I’m doing my best, and I hope that you’ll be along for the ride ahead of me.
Until next time,
Ciao!
–ab
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