Yes, I am giving myself a pep talk.
Last year I wrote a novel and surpassed the 50,000-word goal of the month. I ended with approximately 61,000, well above the expectation. It was an amazing thing to prove to myself. I knew I could do it, I just didn’t carve out the time – I forgot to carve out the time – I justified being too tired to make time. There were a plethora of reasons, enough to convince anyone that I didn’t really care about writing.
When I started this venture last year, it had been at the recommendation of someone who I thought was my friend. Of course, our friendship was practically the opposite. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure we only talked to one another out of convenience – to have someone as a sounding board. That person had told me shortly beforehand that maybe I wasn’t meant to write as a career. No bigger mistake has ever been made, of course, by anyone than when they tell me I can’t do something.
I have a massive “fuck you” mentality that makes it practically impossible for me to ignore any insinuation of “you can’t” statements.
So last year I watched this person’s word count and told myself that no matter how busy I was, no matter how tired I was, no matter how much I hated what I had written, I would beat this person’s word count. We had a falling out on a few days into Nanowrimo last year, and it was for the best. Our dynamic was incredibly toxic and we brought out the worst in one another. I couldn’t be happier to have moved on from that, though I never deleted this person as a buddy on Nanowrimo’s website. I monitored my opposition’s word count closely. I was behind for days, as I had been struggling to get the minimum 1,667 words per day during the first week of the month.
But then this person stopped. I could’ve stopped when I surpassed the word count. I had told myself that I just wanted to beat this other person. That, of course, was false. This was more than being better than someone else, this was bigger than proving that I have the stamina and strength to finish something like this – no, this was about proving I was meant to do this.
To myself.
Nothing hurts worse than being told you’re not meant to do something. Nothing except hearing from someone who is supposed to be on your side. Even though I didn’t believe her, that was one less person standing with me in this pursuit.
Not all dreams are reasonable, not all dreams are easily attained. Not all dreams are simple, complicated, or shallow. Dreams are what we make of them.
This isn’t my dream, though, not anymore.
This is my expectation.
My path is longer, my pace is slower, but I can promise this: I will win Nanowrimo again because I am meant to do this – I am a writer.
And I’ll be published too.
Because I – am – good.
If you don’t believe in yourself first, then you’ll never succeed. Sometimes that means powering through something that you hate. Sometimes that means competing with a friend to prove you want it more. Sometimes…
Sometimes that means using the doubters as fuel to rise above.
Haters gonna hate, doubters gonna doubt.
But winners?
Winners gonna win.
Comments